One time when I was a kid, my dad didn’t want to take me to see Free Willy so he told me to write my own version of it instead. I did, but back then, you couldn’t embed Heal the World into text, so it wasn’t very great.

I went to poetry school but didn’t want to starve to death. I wrote for a national celebrity gossip magazine but couldn’t agree with the editor on whether Snoop Dog smoking weed in a White House bathroom was an “WTF of the Week” or a “Dope Move of the Week.”

Professionally, I’m always trying to walk the line between high art and late-90s WWF. At one time, I had bespoke wrist bangles to prove this.

Sometimes, I wish The Rock would pull me out of the burning building of my life and tell me it’s going to be okay.